One of the great unknown keys of test taking is learning how to morph the question asked into one for which you know the answer. While I think your greater concern here is the issue of women in the military, my greater concern is learning how to love our neighbor. I agree with you wholeheartedly on women in the military. The only thing you need to do on that issue is encourage daughter to not sign up.
The more challenging question is how we should deal with those in our local body whom we perceive to be to the left of us on this issue or that. Here’s what we do. We tell the children, “In that family, according to their understanding of the Bible, they believe they ought to do, or at least are free to do x. In our family, according to our understanding of the Bible, we do not believe that. Your obligation is to follow our family here. Your other obligation is to go on loving and respecting those with whom we disagree on these issues.” You explain that while this issue is an important one, the world is full of important issues over which Christians disagree. You explain that there are surely issues your family is wrong on. Some of these issues will make no difference at all in our relationships. Others might mean that we cannot be in the same church, or the same denomination. What we all agree on, however, is that we cannot insist on having relationships only with people who agree with us here. What we all agree on is that an important part of our spiritual maturity is learning to get along with people with whom we disagree.
We have to face these twin facts. First, spending time with other Christians carries with it the very real possibility that we will be influenced in an unhealthy way. Second, spending time with other Christians carries with it the near certainty that we will influence other Christians in an unhealthy way. Of course you know this. But we still need to be reminded.
How then do you approach your pastoral leadership about this issue? What you do is rather a lot like deer hunting. Sit, be quiet, and wait to see if they come to you. If they do, that’s when it stops being like deer hunting. Don’t let them have it. Instead, gently and graciously talk to them about the issue, Bibles and hearts open. Communicate as clearly as you can your love for them, and your confidence in them. And then explain that the only reason you’re explaining your convictions on the issue is because they asked you to. If they don’t come to you, go home happy that no one got hurt. You have no obligation to correct your leadership on this issue. They are responsible for their own families, just as you are for yours. God will hold them accountable. I suspect that He already has. That is, if sending your daughter off to war is a sin, it is a sin that Jesus died for. Such a failure by those in leadership in your church has already been covered by the blood of the Lamb, just like all your and my failures.