New Theses, New Reformation

Thesis 71 We must dwell with our wives with understanding.

As a rule, men are relational dolts. From an early age girls develop sophisticated communications arrays, whereby they are able to simultaneously translate what anyone says, whether with words, expression or body language, into what they actually mean. They know from birth that when a genteel southern woman tells them, “Well bless your heart” that war has been declared. Men, on the other hand, are tone deaf and body language blind.

Women in turn understand the intricacies of social interaction. They don’t have to be told to write thank you notes; they compose them on the way home from a dinner with friends. Men, on the other hand, bring their favorite beverage to a buddy’s barbecue not as a “host gift” but to make sure there is enough. We check the scores on our smartphones during a wedding.

Which is why, perhaps, western culture has constructed yearly reminders for us, to make it simple. We know our marching orders- a card, flowers or candy, perhaps a gift and a nice romantic dinner for two. We can do that, once, or twice, or four times a year- birthday, Valentine’s Day, and the hardest one, our anniversary. When we succeed on these days we tell our wives that we really are trying. We really do love them, and want them to know. We’re fighting our man weaknesses as best as we are able.

What we ought to be doing, however, is fighting her woman weaknesses. The Bible calls us to dwell with our wives with understanding (I Peter 3:7). Women, by and large, crave security. They are given to relational worry. When husbands and wives fight, often the husband is merely annoyed, while the wife fears the end is near. Peter doesn’t call us to turn our wives into men, but calls men to see it from her point of view. We fight her fears by putting her at ease.

A godly husband, then is not one who four times a year takes up the aggravating task of trying to be relational, in order to keep his wife from getting grumpy. Instead a godly husband is tasked with the constant call of communicating his love and commitment to his wife. This is not a few days a year, but every day. Too often husbands get frustrated, even offended by this hard reality. “Doesn’t she think I’m a man of my word? I promised ‘Until death do us part’ and I meant it.” The Perfect Husband does not treat His bride that way. Instead He daily affirms His love and commitment to us. If we, the church, would reform, we husbands must learn from Jesus.

A bride doesn’t want to know that she can count on us to grimly see our vows through to the end. She wants to know that we would make it all over again today, and tomorrow, and the day after that. She doesn’t want to know that we will stay with her, but that we want to stay with her.

My counsel for you is that on those special days to get the flowers and enjoy a nice meal together. But the next day let’s stop, hold her chin, look her in the eye and tell her, “I give thanks to God for you. I would marry you all over again. You are a joy in my life.” And then, the day after that, do it again. Repeat.