What counsel would you give to the newly married?

It is not, I believe, an accident that marriage is described in the Bible as “leaving and cleaving.” This not only defines marriage well but highlights one of the ways we so often get it wrong. Before we are married our allegiance and identity, generally speaking, is defined by the family we were born into. While we may establish our own homes, we don’t usually establish a differing identity. That happens with “I do” but the mental and emotional shift tends to involve some grinding of gears. This is true not only of bride and groom, but both sets of parents and even beyond that. No one likes giving up what they once had with either party of a new family. But such is our calling. We witness weddings not only to remind bride and groom of their vows, but to remind ourselves that a new family was formed.

Your best friend that wants to know your deepest thoughts on how things are going? They’re not your best friend anymore. Your spouse is. If you’re having trouble, talk to your spouse about it. That groomsman that warned you about some flaws he saw in your wife, and wants to know if he’s right? He doesn’t get to know. It’s none of his concern. The circle of loyalty doesn’t grow with a wedding but shrinks. The tightest circle consists of just two.

I’m not suggesting that all other relationships simply come to an end when we marry. I am suggesting that they all change. By all means continue to honor your parents. Seek their counsel, the two of you together. By all means, continue to be a good friend, but do so remembering that good fences make for good neighbors. Remember that when you are struggling with your spouse your friend a. will only hear your side of the story, b. will almost certainly side with you c. won’t forgive your spouse when you do and d. will not have the wisdom to know how little he or she has. If you are the friend, send your friend back to their best friend. “You are right, and your spouse wrong” is likely the last thing your friend needs to hear, even if he or she is right and the spouse wrong.

Marriage is hard. Moving from wedding to marriage can be especially hard. We’re often not prepared for it. The devil, however, is. He will push every button, lay every snare to weaken the ties that bind us, even using the ties that we have rightly loosed in marrying. And both parties can find themselves bewildered.

Alongside leaving and cleaving I’d argue that the defining quality of a marriage is that it consists of two sinners who love each other. Here the devil pits these two truths against each other. “If he loved you, he wouldn’t have sinned against you in that way.” “You know she just says she loves you. It’s a lie and her behavior proves it.” No. Two sinners, not one. One may sin more than the other, but likely not enough to matter. To beat the devil here marriage must rightly be seen as two sinners who love each other enough to repent and to forgive.